Why should you never mention the number 288 in front of anyone?
Because it is too gross (2 x 144 - two gross).
Which weighs more? A pound of gold or a pound of feathers?
Both weigh the same.
How is the moon like a dollar?
They both have 4 quarters.
What is alive and has only 1 foot?
A leg.
Why did the dentist need to know math?
Because they may need to do a square root canal.
What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A high school math problem!
Why did the amoeba flunk the math test?
Because it multiplied by dividing.
What makes arithmetic hard work?
All those numerals you have to carry.
What are ten things you can always count on?
Your fingers.
What kind of pliers do you use in arithmetic?
Multipliers.
How does a cow add?
With a cow-culator.
When do giraffes have 8 feet?
When there's two of them.
How many eggs can you put in an empty basket?
Only one, after that the basket is not empty.
What coin doubles in value when half is deducted?
A half dollar.
What is the difference between a new penny and an old quarter?
24 cents.
If you can buy eight eggs for 26 cents, how many can you buy for a cent and a quarter?
8.
Where can you buy a ruler that is 3 feet long?
At a yard sale.
If there were 9 cats on a bridge and one jumped over the edge, how many would be left?
None - they are copycats.
If you take three apples from five apples, how many do you have?
You have three apples.
What has 4 legs and only 1 foot?
A bed.
How many times can you subtract 6 from 30?
Once; after that it is no longer 30 (Don't try this in a test!)
If one nickel is worth five cents, how much is half of one half of a nickel worth?
$0.0125
How many 9's between 1 and 100?
20.
Which is more valuable - one pound of $10 gold coins or half a pound of $20 gold coins?
One pound is twice of half pound.
It happens once in a minute, twice in a week, and once in a year. What is it?
The letter 'e'.
How can half of 12 be 7?
Cut XII into two halves horizontally. You get VII on the top half.
When things go wrong, what can you always count on?
Your fingers.
Why are diapers like 100 dollar bills?
They need to be changed.
A street that is 40 yards long has a tree every 10 yards on both sides. How many total trees on the entire street?
10, 5 on each side.
What goes up and never comes down?
Your age.
What did one math book say to the other math book?
Wow, have I got problems!
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra challenging?
Because X was always 10.
How do you expand (a + b)2?
(a + b) 2
How would you prove that 2 = 1?
If a = b (so I say) [a = b]
And we multiply both sides by a
Then we'll see that a2 [a2 = ab]
When with ab compared
Are the same. Remove b2. OK? [a2− b2 = ab − b2]
Both sides we will factorize. See?
Now each side contains a − b. [(a+b)(a − b) = b(a − b)]
We'll divide through by a
Minus b and olé
a + b = b. Oh whoopee! [a + b = b]
But since I said a = b
b + b = b you'll agree? [b + b = b]
So if b = 1
Then this sum I have done [1 + 1 = 1]
Proves that 2 = 1. Q.E.D.
(Just in case you're wondering - the above proof is incorrect because in step 5, we divided by (a - b) which is 0 since a = b)
What kind of tree does a math teacher climb?
Geome-tree.
Why was the obtuse angle upset?
Because he was never right.
What's a polygon?
Polly gone - A dead parrot.
Which triangles are the coldest?
Ice-sosceles triangles.
What's the best dessert in the Math Teacher's Café?
A slice of chocolate pi.
How many calories are there in that slice of chocolate pi?
Approximately 3.142
What is 8 divided in two parts?
Vertically it is 3; horizontally it is 0.
